
The truth is I’m very fragile inside. When I was a young
girl, I was always the worrier, the over thinker, the romantic, daydreaming weirdo
who was touched deeply by things no one else really noticed. I was very quiet
and shy and living in my head. I always had my face in a book and I connected
very deeply to the interior of certain fictional character narratives. I felt
their feelings, remembered their memories.
I got very emotional at the movies, very attached to stories. I still
do. I cried while watching Joan of Arc in the dark in my film class this
semester. I can’t help it. I was always the one thinking things that no one
felt needed to be bothered. I liked to bother those things. I dared disturb the
universe. Mystery intrigued me. The
unknown was where I most wanted to go, the mysterious places where no one was.
This is one of the reasons I have always felt so connected to characters played
by Claire Danes. The strength of her
fragile portrayals have always been compelling to me.
“I Love You, I Love You Not” is certainly not
one of the best movies ever. I think the worst thing about it is the horrible title,
but the film itself is one of my personal favorites. This morning, on my way to
work, I started singing “Daisy Bell” a song that is sung in the film. I think
the tune just comes to mind at particularly beautiful times when I’m alone and
my heart is feeling light. I decided to
check Netflix to see if the film was streaming since I had to be to work an hour
earlier than normal at work this morning and no one was around. Immediately I was
swept away again. An adolescent girl is profoundly disturbed by the historical tragedy
that pervades her Jewish descent, which she feels will keep her from ever being
“normal.” She is in love with the
hopelessly, carelessly beautiful and popular Ethan, played perfectly by Jude
Law whose talent I have always found to be brilliantly sensual and cruel at its
best.
Claire Danes is just incredible. Delicate, powerful sensual,
she just embodies that time of life so well. And for me, it’s like watching the
way I was at that age in a mirror. The feeling, for whatever reason of never
being able to fit in, the longing for someone so much, and yet the need to live
with that someone more in your mind, in your dreams where it’s safe as opposed
to reality where things have a tendency to fall apart and never live up to
those dreams. And then there is the story of her grandmother’s survival from
the Jewish concentration camps in Auschwitz. Her Grandmother, “Nana”, played
just superbly by the great Jeane Moreau, still lives with the memories of being
ripped from her own safe memories of normalcy. She lovingly employs the tools
of story and beauty and a life of bohemian intellect as diversions to keep her
own spirit from being torn apart by the betrayals of her own youth and the deep
friendship she shared with a beautiful girl who eventually turned away from her
when she needed her most. The connection that Daisy and Nana share with one another,
the time they spend together although primarily in leisure is essentially in a
space of unearthing hidden wounds and healing from them.
For me it is heartbreakingly beautiful and it still gets me
right at the core. Something about the romance between Daisy and Ethan, between
her grandmother and her long lost friend and most evidently, between her and
Daisy, mirror each other in the most devastatingly touching way. It never fails
to reduce me to tears. Claire Danes could never be normal and thank God.
Because how could we ever relate to someone normal, whatever that is? It’s
taken me a long time to accept the beauty in the things in myself which do not “fit”
in an idea of social normalcy and I consider it a triumphant victory. When I
see these things reflected in art and media and any form of personal
expression, I applaud them not only out loud but from deep within. Normalcy is
a fantasy, a romance. And we need that illusion for contrast in the study of
our lives. The truth is much more complicated, and if we look closely, with
care, with sensitivity, much more beautiful than any fantasy.